Where have all the Good Men Gone? Janette Miller

Where Have All the Good Men Gone?

An Auckland woman is bemoaning the dearth of intelligent, creative and eloquent men in what she describes as the "era of the lone older women".

Kerry Carter, 72, has written to the Weekend Herald to express her frustration and incredulity at the lack of men in her social circles.

"I really wrote it to express my strong feelings about it, because it doesn't matter what I go to, it's always women, women, women."   Corazon Miller  NZ Herald

I am about the same age as Kerry Carter and I have great sympathy for her plight. In my experience when many women lose their husbands and some of us do at a fairly young age we are in for a long time on our own. Men like younger women and have no difficulty in marrying again and their young wives do not encourage other relationships unless forced to do so or they don't know, so we are in for a longtime on our own. My own husband was older than I and he told me this before I married that I could be in for a long time by myself but I loved him and yes he did jump ship by dying rather too soon but I knew this might happen so can hardly complain. Unlike Kerry Carter I have not had any problems. I have had many male friendships over these 14 years and there are plenty of interesting men around, far more than women so what is the difference between us?


I think it is upbringing. 

When I was a child I was the only girl in the neighbourhood so I was brought up with boys. I did 'boy' things, stamp collecting, mechano, radios, soapbox derbys, train spotting, collecting odd things like tadpoles, mice, cigarette cards. I joined in battles, tennis, cricket and rugby. I wasn't very fond of the last two but I knew about them and as a teenager I was involved in ballet and opera, yes lots of men in this area too. This does make life easier as I am used to meeting men not as potential lovers but as people.

I sort of tagged onto their education too as I didn't have a formal one. They taught me science and what to read and I taught them to appreciate ballet. They liked ballet already, educated men like ballet dancers as we are intelligent, pretty and have deferred gratification. Today I possibly have more males friends than female because I have a lot in common and I am used to talking to them on their level. I am not so good at talking to women of my age as I find a lot are rather silly. They just do not do science and find scientific reasoning impossible. It is hard to know where they come from and I expect men find the same.

If a woman wants to meet men really nice men then she has to like what they like and go somewhere where she is likely to meet them on their ground. Try the local philately club, out of the 100 members in my club at least 90% were male. My husband at first was not a philatilist although he became one he never came to the club so I did meet a lot of very intelligent very nice men who liked stamps while he was alive. They liked a woman who could appreciate and talk about Full Face Queens. Croquet clubs are quite good too. Admiring a four ball break is always acceptable and one has to sit out for hours with a partner. Joining an Association Croquet Club is a last resort because on the field the players change into demons but in the clubhouse they are charming.

I met Peter Goodwin at a bookbinding club. He also loved stamps and these men helped me through when Miles died as I was ill. My men friends are chums not potential partners and sometimes I am not invited into to their club but that is OK. Occasionally I am and then I become an honary man for the morning. I am useful, great computer skills and decorative on occasions like that special dinner when an unmarried man needs a partner.  On one occasion I was a bought woman. I refused to go unless I was given his spare rounding hammer which are impossible to buy these days. I mean I knew what a rounding hammer was and its value in the scheme of things.

Most women of my age were not brought up like this. They would not have clue what a rounding hammer was.They were taught their place, mostly a love of Belief Systems, to look after things, and certainly no science. Not a lot in common with the average intelligent male. However a woman who appreciates the beauty and value of a set of Full Face Queens is attractive at any age. Some of my lady friends have not been out with a man alone even for a coffee since their husbands died and yes that must be sad.

Hopefully today as most children are raised equally the loneliness of single women will go away or will it? Many highly educated young women are still alone reaching their 30s and 40s without a partner because they cannot find one of their equal. Men in my day never had this problem because on the whole women did not get the education they did so they were always superior. The had to make to with wives of inferior education but they got looked after. Maybe today's highly educated women should do the same and shack up with a nice, handsome but a bit thick male because what most highly intelligent women need is a Wife to look after them as wives do!